Oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my.
I've been FREAKING OUT all day! I've been putting off this entry until the LAST second because I knew sitting down to blog about this would freak me out even worse! Sure enough, as I type this, my stomach is in knots and my hands are shaking! Why am I so scared?? I cried about four times today, just in complete emotional breakdown.
I'm scared for a bunch of reasons I guess. I'm scared right now because I won't be able to take my Zofran tomorrow morning, or eat anything, so the idea that I might be nauseous or throw up is terrifying to me. I called the charge nurse because I was supposed to "check in" the night before, and I asked her if there was anyway I could get around the rule of no ingesting of anything after midnight with my medicine, and she said no. She was nice about it, but she said no. So I'm going to take it at 11:59 here in a few minutes and pray it holds out until I get to the hospital. Then maybe they could put it in my IV if needed. She said they just want my stomach empty... so perhaps there are ways to get around the rules. So, fear #1: puking.
Fear #2: Surgery. Never had one, never wanted one, terrified of this one. And I know it's a minor minor surgery, but holy crap it scares me! I keep thinking about it over and over again, and I just shake all over when I think about someone cutting me open. I know you don't feel any pain, but I've heard it can feel like you're being "unzipped"... well, I like my body to stay zipped. I had a mole removed once from the back of my neck. I almost passed out and did throw up later when it got to the part where they used the little laser to cut off the blood flow on the tiny blood vessels before they stitched me up. The smell just did me in. I couldn't handle it. It was a TINY incision. So I'm pretty concerned about how I'll handle tomorrow. Yikes.
Fear #3: Really don't wanna die. I don't. I read an article early early on in the pregnancy about a lady dying during a c-section from blood loss, and I've never gotten the story out of my head. I shouldn't ever read up on anything. This always happens. However, now the fear is there, and I don't know how to chase it out of my mind. I just keep praying and praying. I know God will be there with me, and I'm at zero risk of dying on the table. I'm just a naturally anxious person, and this is the riskiest thing I've ever done.
Fear #4: Josiah. Worried I won't hear that tiny cry, which will indicate that his lungs really aren't ready. Dr. Devine joked about little wimpy white boys. She said that for some reason, there is a trend that indicates that white baby boys struggle more during pregnancy and right after birth than any other race. So weird. I know if I don't hear that initial little cry, it doesn't mean anything is necessarily wrong, he just needs to cook longer, which he'll do perfectly in NICU. But still, you long for that cry. I hope I get it.
I also hope there's nothing wrong with him that we somehow missed. I absolutely refused to have any kind of amnio done to check for chromosomal abnormalities or genetic disorders, and I'm scared that I should have. It's such a hard decision. Travis and I wouldn't have changed anything if it came back positive, and it would have just worried us and made us sick with dread. I also felt at peace every time I prayed and asked God to protect him-from day one of this pregnancy- and I felt like getting those blood tests and amnio tests done would show a lack of faith. So I just need to trust in that peace I've felt over and over again. But the night before when you can't sleep and are crazy anxious, it's hard.
Tomorrow's huge, and in a few hours we'll be getting up to head to the hospital. Thank you all so so much for your continued support. We couldn't have made it this far without your prayer and friendship. Please continue to pray for us! We'll keep everyone posted and have some beautiful baby pictures up here tomorrow!
The nurse said usually 7:30 appointments run on time, and the latest we'd get in there would be 8 or 8:15. So definitely by 9 tomorrow morning, we'll be parents. Oh my. I'm freaking out again!!
Thank you all again and God bless,
Kathleen and Travis
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