Friday, January 30, 2009

34 Weeks, 6 Days


Yesterday I had an appointment with Dr.Devine, and I was telling Travis the night before, "My only objective for this appointment tomorrow is to find out when they're wanting to deliver, because I can't handle not knowing anymore!" I realize that women who have legitimate due dates (which mine is NOT) get antsy too at some point, but imagine being told your due date is December 10th, but "we're definitely not comfortable letting you carry him for that long, so we'll have to play it by ear. Just be prepared that it's going to be weeks before then..."

I wake up everyday not knowing when this will all end. I finally have a date!! And I bet you're all dying to know when it is! haha

My 37th week is Valentine's day, (which I know you all know, because I've obsessed over that silly holiday for the past few weeks!) and she actually considered a c-section on that day! I never thought she'd just get me to the 37 point and then take him, but apparently she really doesn't want him to be carried past that point. However, a birthday on valentine's day every year would suck, so she tried for Monday the 16th. She called the hospital, and they were booked. Yuck!

So my c-section is scheduled for Tuesday February 17th at Noon! That's my Independence Day!!! I can't wait! I told her I thought she was going to make me go until the 38th week, and she said she was concerned with how he's been doing. When I looked it up online, I thought he had dropped to the 8th percentile, but in reality (which I found out yesterday), he's dropped from the 10th to the 4th. They were no longer considering him IUGR, but after seeing that, he's back in the IUGR category again, and they're back to watching him closely again.

I realize that it isn't good that he's dropping down again, and his weight is starting to drop off, but on the other hand, his organs are looking so perfect, and he's been such a fighter, I'm almost relieved his weight is starting to make them pay closer attention because it's earned us a due date! Is that selfish of me to feel that way?? Dr. Devine was talking a couple of weeks ago like I may be able to go all the way to week 38 or 39, which was really exhausting and discouraging. It was just a real relief for her to say yesterday, "I don't really even want you to go all the way to week 38. I think that would be an unnecessary risk at this point, and I definitely don't want you going past that week. I think as early as humanly possible at week 37 is the best bet. Any earlier than that, and we'd have to do an amnio to check his lung development, and I can do that if you want, but I know you've expressed several times that you definitely don't want to risk an amnio." I was shocked that she was willing to try for even earlier than week 37 if I was up for it.

But she's right, the risk of the amnio is just too great. And if he's going to be super small, I'd rather him be super small but officially full term (as he will be on the 14th) than super small and even a week early.

I'm just so freaking excited! I've been battling bitterness and depression for the past few months from being so sick and lonely and frustrated, but this makes it easier to deal with. I woke up incredibly sick this morning- much like every morning- but I had a light at the end of this horrible tunnel! That gave me hope and joy.

So now we can start counting down the days! 18 days from here!
God bless,
Kathleen and Travis

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

34 Weeks, 3 Days

It's incredibly late, and I'm super tired, but I had to post this because I thought it was funny.

I braved the weather today to make it into Lubbock for an NST, and while the nurse was getting me all set up, we started talking. She said something about going into preterm labor with her son at 34 weeks and then delivering at 37 weeks, and being placed on bed rest in between.

The conversation went something like this:

Nurse: I know you're getting miserable, but you're so incredibly close to the end now! And really, when you think about it, a week really does fly by without you even realizing it.

Kathleen: Well, it really doesn't fly by for me... Sometimes it's hard to make it hour by hour, but I do realize that this is very close to the end. Sometimes I just feel like the world is spinning around me, and everything is changing, but I stay the same. Still stuck in bed. Still sick. Still miserable. Still pregnant.

Yeah, I know what you mean about the world going by without you in it. Try being on bed rest for three whole weeks. And, better yet, try being on bed rest during Christmas. That'll make you feel really out of the loop and out of the family and everything!

Hm... This is where Kathleen tries her hardest not to be tacky to this woman, who obviously feels she deserves some kind of medal for her three weeks...

Um, well, I was on bed rest over Christmas. Hospital bed rest. And I ended up in the hospital over Thanksgiving weekend. And my first anniversary. And my husband's birthday. And my birthday. And New Year's. And then I came home and was on complete bed rest during the presidential inauguration, and missed everything while the entire world around me and history literally changed. So...yeah.

Yeah, then I guess you definitely know how hard it is!

Cough... yes, I do... I'm not so sure YOU do, however... lol


Wasn't this conversation supposed to be her encouraging me that it's almost over, and then sharing her war wounds to make me feel better? Something has backfired in our exchange...

Yep, I delivered at 37 weeks, and he was only 6 pounds, 5 ounces. Tiny. And I know if I had not gone into preterm labor, and he'd been born at 39 weeks, I would've had an 8 pound baby. He's still smaller than his brother.

It was at this point that my mom, who was in the room, spoke up and said something:

Sharon: Well, he is SGA, so when we heard he'd reached 3 pounds, we were thrilled. Really six pounds is a very good size for a baby at 37 weeks. And, just to clarify, she hasn't just been on bed rest since Christmas. She's been on bed rest since her hyperemesis sent her to the emergency room in July. So she's REALLY ready for this to be done.

Ohhh... you've got an SGA? Yeah, that does complicate things a bit... And that HG can be nasty...

Then she left. I just thought it was really humorous that she was so emphatic about her experience. I guess everyone who has a less than ideal pregnancy or birthing experience feels they have the story that takes the cake. Even I do that sometimes, but I try to remain aware that it could be MUCH worse, and even in all the frustrations and pains I have, God has continued to bless us. When I told Travis about her, he just laughed and said, "When she pulled out her little three week bed rest sob story, I don't think she realized that you're the queen of all things crazy in pregnancy...Which is really not a smart assumption to make as a nurse in a high risk doctor's office!" Lol.

Good night!

God bless,
Kathleen and Travis

Monday, January 26, 2009

34 Weeks, 2 Days

I really really really need to stop looking information up on the internet. It's late, and I'm completely scaring myself.

Josiah was measured last week and had reached 3 pounds, 8 ounces from the 2 lbs, 12 ounces he was at in the last ultrasound. We were thrilled, and I was thinking it was great progress.

I just now started researching fetal growth charts and see that he's somewhere in the 8th percentile for his weight/age. That isn't good. He was going back and forth between the 12th percentile and the 10th for a while. Now he's dropped to the 8th.

Why did I look it up? It only freaked me out.

This is why I've asked Dr. Atkinson to not tell me about percentiles.

I'm going to bed.

God bless,
Kathleen and Travis

Saturday, January 24, 2009

34 Weeks, 0 Days

Today should be some sort of holiday for me. It doesn't feel like it though. I go back and forth between complete excitement and relief thinking, "Oh my gosh! I'm only three weeks from freedom!" to total depression and frustration feeling like three weeks is an eternity. When the excitement is here, it doesn't last long. Not that I'm not excited to finally meet Josiah. It isn't excitement over baby...It's excitement over being me again, and having some semblance of my life back. I never stop being excited to meet him. But I do struggle on most days with the depression and emotional solitude that bed rest and high risk pregnancy brings.

My mom said something the other day that really made me laugh. I was crying about someone saying something about the constant nausea/vomiting/constipation I've had since June 28th (yes, I remember the very day it started) being the result of me having been a rather "unhealthy" person before. I can't remember what exactly this person said to make me so upset, but they indicated that I was never really super healthy or strong before all of this. I felt indignant, because I was always very healthy and strong before this mess! And just because I'm going through all of this doesn't mean I'm not a strong woman, or a healthy woman. I'd really like to think that I'm stronger than most people because I've made it so far. Many women in my situation, unfortunately, become so depressed they become suicidal, or opt to terminate their pregnancy even with a baby they desperately wanted and tried for. It's devastating, but I think knowing of tragic situations like those only proves that I'm a warrior of sorts. I've made it so far, and I don't resent my child, and on most days (lately), I'm not wishing for death anymore! So I should get some kind of recognition for my strength.

Anyway, I got distracted. I was having that same conversation with my mom, she said, "Well, think of this: When big strong men who never ever get sick end up with the stomach bug or food poisoning, they throw up for several hours and lay on the floor of the bathroom moaning and groaning, wishing for 'death' dramatically, right? And while they're laying there moaning and groaning, they vow that they will NEVER EVER again eat or go near whatever in the world it was that made them this sick. Not only that, but most of us vow to never again go near whatever it was we threw up, even if that isn't what made us so sick to begin with. When even the strongest people get a stomach bug, we turn into whimpering crying children, and promise ourselves we'll never do whatever it was that made us sick again. After 24 hours and some chicken soup, we're all better. You have done this and felt this way for the past seven months, nearly every day. As someone who hates to get sick, you're practically a hero! And when I get sick and later vow to never ever eat pasta-roni again, or whatever it was that made me sick, I mean it. So I certainly take you seriously when you say you're never ever gonna have another baby again! And that's just fine!"

It made me laugh because I got sick on Hamburger Helper one time in like the third grade. Threw up twice, cried like a baby all night long, missed a day of school, etc. I vowed to never go near the stuff again, and everyone understood and took me seriously. My parents stopped buying it and my grandmother stopped making it when I was over. However, I get sick every day for 3/4ths of a year, and tell people I'm never getting pregnant again, and they shake their heads and say, "No, you'll change your mind." Lol. Nope. If I was scared off of Hamburger Helper for some fifteen years after one night of illness when I was a child, I'm thinking I won't be quick to forget this experience, or what factors brought me here.

I must be in a rambling mood, because that's all this blog is. The past two days have just been bad days, and I'm miserable and not afraid to tell you that I am. Week thirty-seven seems like a myth to me right now. I fully expect in my current state of mind for week thirty-seven to magically appear right along side a unicorn and Puff the magic dragon. I wake up everyday and feel like I'm Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day." I realize the calender changes, but I'm just a rat running on a wheel while the rest of the world progresses and changes around me.

Oh well. Maybe when this fictional "week 37" finally does arrive, Puff will let me ride him to the hospital.

God bless,
Kathleen and Travis

Friday, January 23, 2009

33 Weeks, 6 Days

Ugh. Last night = bad night.

I was up sick all night long, and stayed in bed all day today. I've just felt really tired and yucky all day. It's been hard for me to get comfortable, because it seems like any way I lay or sit, I end up having heart palpitations and trouble breathing. Dr. Devine told me to stay off my back, and not to sit flat on my bottom for this reason, but lately even laying on either side has been hard. It's just miserable trying to get to sleep at night when your heart is racing or skipping around.

I finally made it out of bed around the time Travis came home, and then laid on the couch for the rest of the night. It's not fun. The apartment temperature must be set at 64 degrees or I get too hot to function. I think I can handle the heat better than the nausea and shortness of breath. That's pretty bad. But putting it all together makes me want to cry. I'm just so tired of everything. It seems like I'll have a couple of days where I feel good, and am able to do a few things around the house, or at least get out of bed during the day, and then it never ever lasts.

When the HG was at its worst, I was way too sick to write in my private journal or document just how ill I truly was, so last night since I was up sick anyway, I wrote and wrote and wrote a private letter to myself detailing some of the very worst moments of the HG. You're probably wondering why. I know that when this is all over, I'll feel it was absolutely worth it, and I'll try to convince myself I didn't really almost die. I'll start thinking of the positive moments of this pregnancy, and although they are few and short-lived, my mind will naturally make this seem like a piece of cake in retrospect. I can't do that to myself. I probably sound ridiculous or dramatic, but I truly cannot do this again. I can't do it to Travis or Josiah either. This has been so hard on us financially, emotionally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually. I don't want to put Josiah through that too. Not when we've always been so open to adoption. We've always wanted to adopt a baby, but I know the day will come where I start to think of pregnancy as not so bad. Hopefully I'll pull out my letter to my future self and actually take it seriously!

Anyway, it's pretty late. I just wanted to quickly update even though there isn't much to say. 34 weeks tomorrow. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. Almost. But not quite.

God bless,
Kathleen and Travis

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

33 Weeks, 4 Days

Hi everyone!

Last night we went to Babys R Us (we first went to Walmart, but weren't pleased with their selection), and found the most adorable coming home outfit for Josiah. It's SO cute. We tried looking for an Easter outfit, but everything they had for dressy church type stuff was size 3-6 months, and he'll be too tiny for that. I'm going to keep looking though to see if we can come up with anything that would be cute enough to wear to church. If not, he'll just wear his coming home outfit. We also got a big diaper bag. It's green and really pretty. I loved it because it comes with a changing pad, a bottle warmer, and a baby wipe container. Not to mention dozens of zippers and pockets to fit extra stuff inside. It's a big one, so it'll be perfect for longer outings. We were both so excited to go shopping for him. They have TONS of cute baby clothes!

We also had to quickly run by Home Depot to pick up a dryer hose for the dryer we got from my grandfather the other day. While we were there, I ran into my old boss from Bealls in Plainview, and we stopped and talked for a little while. She said that my friend Denise who worked at the Customer Service desk with me is also expecting a baby. I was so happy for her, because she and her husband were really trying for a while, and I know she was getting discouraged. During her lunch breaks, she'd wander around in our baby department for a full hour looking through diaper bags and tiny baby clothes. What's really ironic is that she's having a boy, and she's due on Valentine's Day! While my due date is officially the 7th of March, Valentine's Day is officially week 37. I know they aren't going to necessarily deliver ON that day, but that's been my finish line for so long, I view it as my Independence Day. And while she's due on V-day as well, who knows, we may end up delivering on the same day as each other. I cleared out my phone directory just the other night, and deleted her number thinking I hadn't talked to her in several months, and now I wish I hadn't.

I need to get Travis to show me how to get photos from our new camera onto here. I'm so inept when it comes to things like that. Lol. I keep promising pictures of Josiah things and baby bumps, but I'm too blond to figure out how to make that happen. I promise I haven't forgotten, and as soon as my husband shows me how to do it with this new camera, there'll be more pictures posted than you have time to view!

Thank you as always for your prayer and support!
God bless,
Kathleen and Travis

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

33 Weeks, 3 Days


We finally got the net and cable set up at our new apartment, and I am once again in touch with the world. This past week has been HORRIBLE! If it wasn't for the newspaper, I would have no clue what was going on, and even that has been sketchy as the Lubbock paper has been cutting down their issues starting just this past month. Of course.

I'm so so so ready to have this stinkin' baby! Should pregnancy be this miserable??? Really?? Now that I'm into the 33rd week, I can almost TASTE 37. I'm starting to notice some psycho nesting tendencies in myself, which only makes me more anxious to finally see Josiah's face. I read somewhere that nesting sets in a few weeks before baby is born (not always), but it got me excitedly thinking, "So if it's setting in NOW, maybe he'll be here super soon!!!"

Yesterday, for example, I got it in my head that he absolutely HAD to have bibs and a toy. I have stuffed animals for him, but I didn't have a rattle or anything for him to chew on or hold. So my mom and I went to Target and we picked out some bibs and a rattle for him. It was ridiculous, I know, but I felt better after picking those up.

Travis and I went to Walmart the other day to buy practical items for him like diapers, powder, baby wash rags, bottles, etc. I haven't been able to do any mommy things, so it felt really good to get out and make some purchases for him. Tonight we're going back to Walmart to get some fabric so I can make sheets for his cradle.

I really really hope they don't have me hoping for and counting down to 37 weeks and then decide he could go another week or two in there!!! I won't even think about that right now. Nope.

I wish there was more to update everyone on. At least you'll hear from me much more regularly now. Thank you all for your continued prayer and support. We're almost there!
God Bless,

Kathleen and Travis

Friday, January 16, 2009

32 Weeks, 6 Days

Hi everyone! I'm sorry it's been so long since I last updated. Things have really been crazy for the past couple of weeks.

Cim, I'm so sorry that I missed you when you were trying to visit me in the hospital. I had the nursing station screen my calls that day since I was getting a little too much visiting from relatives, and at the very end of her shift, my nurse came in to tell me that you had been the one trying to get through. I felt awful and didn't have a way to get back to you. So, I'm sorry for the confusion, and I really appreciate you trying to come see me!

That last week in the hospital was a really rough one for me. I was so worried about going back home to a house we basically couldn't afford. I won't get into our housing situation, but let's just say it wasn't great. So that last day in the hospital, we started calling around and looking up places online like madmen, and found an affordable apartment in Slaton, where Travis works. We visited the apartment that afternoon, the afternoon I got out of the hospital, and about three days later we moved in. It happened really quickly, but we've been in a financial tight spot for a couple of months now, and have been praying for God to open a window for us to live and breathe a little easier. I think it came as a shock to extended family that we were moving so quickly, but when you've been begging God to show you a way out of your situation, you don't sit around and think about it when His answer finally comes. You just take the opportunity and thank Him for it. And so that's what we did. We couldn't afford to wait around for another month's rent to roll by.

We don't have cable or internet set up in our new apartment yet, but it'll be here either Monday or Tuesday of this coming week, so I'll be writing more regularly again. Right now I'm updating you from Travis's office at the school. I know a bunch of people have just about decided I'm not keeping up with this anymore, but I really do plan to stay committed to keeping everyone informed as best as I can! Please just bear with us while we get adjusted to our new home and get all the wires plugged in where they belong.

I saw Dr. Devine this morning, and asked her a question that has been bugging me all week. If Josiah is looking so great, which he is, then why am I still required to come in twice a week for NSTs and ultrasounds? On days where I have to get out of bed and go to Lubbock for doctor appointments, I usually end up sick and sore by the end of the day. My body just isn't used to moving or driving or sitting up for long periods of time. It's really hard on me physically, and if it isn't necessary anymore (which would be a great thing for him too), then I certainly don't want to go anymore!

She said that since he had all of those days of heart decelerations, they're going to continue to monitor him closely until delivery. Boo.

But I was right about the part where I said he's looking perfect. She said that he's looking wonderful. Still measuring about two weeks small for his gestational age, but he's got a strong little heart, great blood flow, and all fluid levels are perfect.

Haha, I almost forgot: Last Friday I went to Dr. Devine to see about this new pain on my lower right side. It was really hurting, and I figured I shouldn't ignore it since it was getting more severe. She checked me out and said that I have a hernia. Lol of course. Why not? So that's been hurting for about two weeks. She's certain that once he's delivered, everything will go back to normal, just like the problems with my stomach and digestive tract. Le sigh.

Today we talked about what kind of delivery would be best. She asked me, "Are you hoping for a vaginal delivery?" I told her that I'd kind of made up my mind that a c-section would probably be better for him since he's so tiny, and he's done weird heart things in the past. I just don't want to risk the stress of labor with him. She agreed, and I quickly said, "But I'm not the doctor, those are just my feelings. If you think that a c-section isn't wise or safe, then please say so." But I think the whole reason she brought up the issue was to kind of suggest that if I was hoping for a natural delivery, I needed to be prepared that a c-section would probably be better in this case. I was talking to my dad about it, and as he said, if she'd thought a c-section was unnecessary, she would've said so and would not have agreed with my thoughts on the matter. But it's not like I'm one of those women who just hates the thought of a natural delivery, so I'm requesting a c-section. Surgery scares me to death, but Dr. Atkinson has talked enough times about the dangers of trying to naturally deliver an SGA baby that I'm certain I don't want to try for that.

If they could schedule a c-section, that would be wonderful. I bet as we get closer and closer to that 37 week mark, discussions will begin about having a scheduled delivery. 33 weeks tomorrow!! Woo hoo!! I can't believe I went into the hospital at 28 weeks and was given steroid shots in case they had to deliver that very week! That seems so long ago!

I have good days and bad days. I know he's doing beautifully, except for the being tiny part, but some days I myself am not doing so well. Bed rest is hard work, and I'm on even more limited bed rest now that I have this hernia. Some days I wake up hurting so badly I just cry all day and I have even tried bargaining with Dr. Devine about delivering earlier. I know that it doesn't really work to try and strike up deals with your obstetrician to deliver your baby early, but when you're in that much constant pain and discomfort, I figure I've got to try!

My poor tiny body was just not made for birthin' babies. This I have learned.

If her promises and approximations are right, I ought to have just four more weeks of this nonsense, and then we all meet Josiah. Lol, I was reading a magazine in the doctor's office this morning that talked about the "common apprehensions of how life will change after baby's arrival." I showed the article to my mom and said, "I don't even have time to think of my apprehensions regarding how life will be once he's here... But it couldn't possibly be worse than how my life has changed in trying to get him here!"

Trying to stay positive. One day at a time.

God bless,
Kathleen and Travis

Saturday, January 3, 2009

31 Weeks, 0 Days

Today, all day, I just feel like I'm on the edge of a complete break down. I usually have one about once a week now, but knowing I'm going home on Monday makes it even worse. When my daytime nurse told me my favorite nighttime nurse would be here tonight, but was probably going to have to go home early because they were overstaffed, so I shouldn't request her, I immediately broke into tears. I've been looking forward to seeing her for two days, and was talking just the other day, "Tammie will be here again on Saturday..." She's one of the few up here that I can talk to honestly about how I'm feeling (emotionally, psychologically), who listens and really seems to "get" it. Since I've been on edge all day, I kept telling myself, "Hold it in, Kat. You can cry and just vent it all out when Tammie gets in tonight. She might even decide it needs to be mentioned to Dr. Devine. Just hold out until the 7 o'clock shift."

I'm so sad, frustrated, and disappointed to leave on Monday. Who is sad to leave the hospital, you ask? There are so many reasons, and I must go over them all a million times a day with Travis. To be perfectly honest (and why the heck not, I've got nothing to lose), we're having insane money issues, and for the past three weeks, those have been put on hold. Being in the hospital has been a little sanctuary for me to not have to think about those issues. I don't get mail up here, so I don't see the endless bills flowing in daily at home. I don't have to deal our rent problems, or thinking about the fact that Josiah's nursery isn't finished, and we can't afford to finish it right now.

On Monday, Travis goes back to school with the rest of the state, and I go back to being on bed rest at home by myself all day. Again, I'll be at the mercy of available family members to bring me lunch whenever they can, or else I don't eat. I'll yet again be trapped to the seclusion of our dark tiny bedroom, unless I somehow get up the energy to wander to the couch, which isn't nearly as comfortable, but the living room doesn't depress me as quickly either. I guess because the bedroom was my prison the entire time I had HG, staying in bed for one hour longer than I need to during the day is just too much.

I won't have nurses stopping by to check up on me or just chat with me during the day. I also will suddenly have to start worrying again, like I did before. I'll have to worry over all the things they worry about. Before I went into the hospital, my days were spent at home by myself obsessing over the last time I felt Josiah move, how long that last contraction lasted, and whether that dizziness or heart palpitation meant anything alarming. I was an absolute basket case, and by the time Travis would get home on most evenings, I was crying uncontrollably from the worry and exhaustion it would cause. Travis is so wonderful, and our family is so supportive and loving, but there are some things (the biggest things) that only I can watch and look for. Bearing the sole weight of responsibility for so many things that could mean life or death for baby in a high risk pregnancy is truly enough to make a woman go crazy. If I blow off one ache or pain, or convince myself that one weird feeling means nothing, I could potentially put Josiah's life in complete risk. I can't tell you how exhausting that is. Am I really excited to return to that place? For the last three weeks, I've slept more soundly, and felt more relaxed than I have in about four months.

Since week 6 when the HG began, I've been in this boat. I've felt so alone, so sick, and so scared... and in the absolute darkest moments, I'd look towards March as my independence day. Then suddenly, a doctor threw me a life raft that had January written all over it. I clung to it. I do not want a tiny, sick NICU baby. Please don't get me wrong. But I feel such peace in my heart that whenever they deliver, be it now or nine weeks from now, he'll be fine. So dealing with the idea of him being born early wasn't really a fear for me. The Lord has him. Having that peace allowed me to feel nothing but relief when they talked about delivering him. I'm so tired of being sick and worried. I thought it was going to end soon. I don't want him to be sick enough to warrant an early delivery, but if they're going to prepare me emotionally for one, I'd just assume it happen.

I didn't want to walk out of here without a baby. I was told I should settle in here until he was born, and I did the settling part. Now they're telling me I can go home (to repeat the excruciating process I thought I was past), only to return up here in a few weeks. Dr. Atkinson said I was looking at a 35 to 37 week delivery if he continues looking as good as he does. They just had me so convinced that I wasn't leaving until I had a baby. I thought this was it. The end of the road. This hospital trip, in my mind, marked the last leg of this horrible race, whether that race ended at 32 weeks or 39. I felt like someone had finally taken all the baggage I bear, and said, "Don't worry anymore. We're watching him. It isn't your burden to bear anymore. If anything happens, we're here and we have a plan. You just rest." Now they're throwing me out on a limb alone again.

I guess I decided to blog about my feelings since I can't talk to Tammie about them. I was hoping she'd be here tonight so I could tell her everything. I thought maybe she'd say something to Dr. Devine or Dr. Atkinson about it and perhaps they could come up with something comforting to say. As it is, everyone up here, bless them, thinks I'm delighted to go home on Monday. I guess everyone assumes if it was them that they would be.

Please pray that I can handle being at home for the next six weeks. Pray that nothing comes up that I miss or don't recognize in time that could put Josiah in jeopardy. And please continue to pray for a safe arrival, whenever that may be.
God bless,
Kathleen and Travis

Thursday, January 1, 2009

30 Weeks, 5 Days

Today I was sick to the max! So much nausea. So much Zofran. My nurse tonight asked me if there was a particular reason I was so sick, and I told her I was just very very constipated. When you're laying on your side all the time, things in the pipes move incredibly slowly. What's so sad is that I'd just gotten regular. Such is life.

She said she was concerned all day that it was fear of leaving and dealing with kick counts, timing contractions, thrice-weekly NSTs, etc. all by myself. I guess she saw that I wasn't like myself and today was a really bad day, and worried that I was reacting to going home on Monday. I told her that honestly wasn't the case, that I just hurt to the point of nausea. But I am nervous I guess. I'm just scared of the responsibility that I'll have when I leave. But not THAT scared. Not to the point of making myself sick. Yuck.

My birthday's tomorrow. I was just thinking the other day, I was in the hospital during the presidential election, the day after thanksgiving, our first wedding anniversary, Travis's birthday, Christmas, new year's, and now my birthday. Sheesh. Travis was saying last night as the ball dropped, "Let's just forget about 2008, ok?" Sounds like a deal to me!

I'm just so relieved that Josiah is going to be a 2009 baby, as he was always supposed to be. A nurse today told me, "I looked back on all of your NSTs from when you first got here, and he was really looking scary that first week. They were just a day more of that nonsense from delivering, and if you'd been 30 weeks, they would have delivered immediately." I just nervously laughed, because I honestly don't think I knew how close they were to delivering him two weeks ago! Sometimes being naiive is best. I knew it was serious, but not THAT serious. I guess because I didn't exactly know what they were watching for. I know now, so I stare at that monitor when he's on and watch it like a hawk. Again, ignorance is bliss!

I hope everybody had a great New Years last night! I'm so close to 32 weeks, I can taste it!
God bless,
Kathleen and Travis