Saturday, April 18, 2009
Going and Growing
Our sweet Josiah is growing and growing. It's amazing watching him take in the world everyday. Every once in a while it occurs to me that while he's staring at a lamp, or at one of our kitties, he's learning something completely new to him, and it's changing him in every way. Seeing him grow is thrilling and devastating all at the same time. I can't wait to hear his little voice, or watch him crawl and later walk, but at the same time there's part of me that realizes with full rationale how short this newborn phase is. I take thousands of pictures, and try to soak in every precious moment I can. He's completely outgrown his preemie clothes, and when I pulled them out of the dresser to set aside, I had a good cry. I can't believe he was born so small, or that he's grown so quickly, and I guess it hit me that he'll never be that small again. I don't necessarily want a not-quite-five-pound baby forever, and of course I want him to be healthy, but perhaps the mothers out there understand the dichotomy of it all. I cried my eyes out watching him coo and kick in his little bouncy chair the other night. I think my emotions are mostly brought on by my recent diagnosis of Endometreosis.
Dr. Devine called Josiah my "final hurray baby", and said that the conception and safe delivery of him was a miracle, and the odds of me ever conceiving again are slim to none. On top of that, the odds of me having HG again are higher than 95% according to her, and she doesn't support the use of PICC lines, or TPNs, or a Zofran pump. She said she would do it if she had to, but I wouldn't be a present mother for Josiah. I went home feeling relieved at finally having a diagnosis of a condition I've suspected I've had for years, and closure at hearing from a professional that to try again would be dangerous. But I also felt disappointed, and that night at dinner I cried and told Travis that I want to adopt in America as well as internationally. A US adoption was once something I was totally opposed to given our ridiculous birth-mother right laws, but as I told him through tears, the thought of never holding a sweet newborn to my chest again absolutely breaks my heart. I can't even get through typing it out without getting choked up!
Josiah smiles more and more, and I've included pictures that demonstrate him practicing those precious smiles.
I'm staying at home with him full time, and we've talked at great length about keeping it that way. We both believe that being a full time mother is the most important job I could ever do (or that I will ever do). I do want to go back to school to get my nursing degree, but that can absolutely wait. I'm not diving into the ever-controversial mommy wars here, but I will say that I love the fact that we bond more and more each day because of our time together. I also love the fact that I never feel guilty leaving him with someone else. I never feel insecure that someone else has a larger influence on his precious mind or heart than me. We sing songs, read books, and I talk to him about Jesus everyday. You never can start too young. And there's endless cuddling, of course. He's such a happy baby, and for that I'm blessed and grateful. I feel more fulfilled knowing I'm doing the job God has called me to do than I've felt in six years. (Since before I got to Wayland and my ambitions became clouded).
We've decided that I'll home school him for Kindergarten at least. We both value public schools and the positive things they can bring to a child's life (says the wife of the public school teacher), but I felt that Kindergarten for me was an absolute joke. My grandmother kept me during the day, and she taught me all of my fundamentals before I started school. Preschool (I mean no offense to anyone when I say this) is entirely overrated, and parents rely on it as supplement instead of teaching their young children at home as we used to. Before privatized expensive government institutions, mothers used to teach their children to love reading, to properly piece together a sentence, and the fun and discovery that math and science can bring. All of this was instilled before sending them off to school. Now it's a big mess and a big rushing competition to make certain requirements and prepare them for public school, which will hold him to the standard of a state-mandated test score until he's eighteen years old! All of that ranting to say I'll teach him the basics and the fundamentals. I'm not sure it'll give him a head start in the long run, but for the time being, it'll definitely instill in him a lifelong love of reading, an appreciation in concepts our family values, and it'll allow me to take control of my son's education from the beginning. I don't plan on homeschooling him beyond that point, but if it becomes clear that that would be better for him, I'm completely open to it.
I love that he's opening his eyes more and taking in everything around him. Today he laid on my chest and held his head up to look around at the living room for several minutes before he got tired of it. His eyes have maintained their beautiful blue shade, something a nurse at the hospital predicted wouldn't last. Both of his parents have blue eyes, so his odds are great. She was just jealous :)
I'm sorry it's been so long since I updated. I've just been so busy with him, I can hardly keep my head on straight. It's been absolutely fantastic though. Have a wonderful weekend, everyone.