30 Weeks, 1 Day

Last night, Travis and I were sitting around with the tv on low reading our books quietly when we heard the woman next door making a bunch of noise. I immediately muted the tv to hear what was going on. I said, "It sounds like she's in agony or something," and Travis said, "No, I think she's laughing. Not all people being loud has to mean they're in agony." And it kind of did sound like she was laughing really loudly... Until we listened closer. She was sobbing and crying, begging for help. She let out a high pitched scream and started saying over and over, "It hurts! It hurts! What's going on!?" And then she screamed again.

I was so freaked out. I've never really heard another person suffering like that, and I've never heard someone panic like that before either. I mean, it went on and on and on for about an hour. And then all these nurses, probably everyone on the floor, were in there yelling different directions and intructions and stuff. It sounded like total chaos. In a matter of minutes, there were four or five different voices all shouting orders and then I heard Dr. Dorsett, the doc on call for Dr. Devine in there. His voice was booming and giving instructions too. It eventually got quiet, but I could still hear her sobbing after everyone else had left the room. I could hear the shower going last night, and heard toilets flushing, and heard her moving around in there, so I'm guessing she wasn't immediately moved out. This morning though, she was gone. I don't know if she went upstairs to have a c section or what.

It really really REALLY bothered me. I couldn't get the sounds of her panic and pain out of my head all night, and they keep going over and over today as well. It just really triggered some sort of freak out mode in me. Of course I worried for her because I've never heard human suffering before, but for some reason I also got really scared for myself and Josiah. I know that whatever she was going through didn't relate to me at all, but it still scared me to my core.

This is just such a quiet hall, and I guess I sort of got in this mindset that me and all of my unseen neighbors were in the same boat. I know we really aren't, but it was sort of comforting to think we were all on bed rest, all holding on for at least 34 weeks, all having monitorings daily, etc. My nurse the other night mentioned that they had to drain fluids out of a baby's stomach in-utero the other day. Some of the women up here in this high-risk antepartum ward are in really bad or really scary situations. In perspective, I'm very blessed.

Travis kept saying, "Maybe she just went into labor..." but I've seen labor, and those were not the sounds of labor. Not healthy normal labor. I know just because she had a very rough night doesn't mean something bad happened to her or her baby today. And of course I know that just because something scary touched close to my room it does not mean something will happen to me or Josiah. Why am I still so freaked out by what I heard??? Why did it bother me so much? It truly scared me.

I feel so selfish. I said a prayer for her last night when she was screaming for help, but I spent the remainder of the night praying that Josiah and I would be safe and that I wouldn't experience the fear and pain she was going through. I feel wrong for hearing another person in such agony and worrying almost exclusively about myself. Either that's human nature, or I'm incredibly selfish. Either way, I can't stop thinking about her today, and I can't get those noises out of my head. I don't want to be screaming in pain, begging for help with half a dozen nurses bustling around my room shouting orders at me and each other. We don't know when Josiah will finally need to be delivered, and I don't want it to go down like that. It just really scares me. I hate not knowing ANYTHING.

When will I go home??? When will he be delivered? Since I know I'm not going to go into labor at 40 weeks like most women, I wonder how it'll finally come about that he needs to be delivered. How long will he have to be in NICU? I know the answers to these questions are all in God's hands, and I trust those hands. It's just a little hard to sit here all day asking doctors and nurses when I'll go home, when they think he'll be delivered, etc, and have absolutely no one tell me anything. And on top of that, all the drama of last night just really made me more desperate to know when I'll be getting out of here- either to go home or to go upstairs.

I guess that's all I wanted to say. Just freaked out. Feeling terrified for the lady next door and for myself, and feeling guilty for feeling terrified for myself. Please keep praying for all of us like I know you are. We appreciate it so so much.

God bless,
Kathleen and Travis