30 Weeks, 3 Days

You'll probably all be glad to know that I'm less crazy today. I do apologize for the constant and rather obsessive ramblings about when I'll get to go home. I'm not the type that needs Christmas dinner planned in October, but I at least like to know what's going on a day or so in advance. So sitting here wondering if we're going to have to pack up everything and go home, where I'll have to adjust to taking over responsibility for tracking Josiah is just extremely stressful, and almost scary for me. But I do apologize for the fact that my last several blogs appear to have the same annoying theme.

No ultrasound today. No ultrasound tomorrow. Dr. Atkinson decided to do the ultrasound on Friday... my birthday. I still feel like if he's grown significantly, there's a very good chance he'll let me go home. But he isn't going to discharge me at all until Dr. Devine gets back into town. Actually, he was kind of talking like he wasn't going to discharge me period. He said, "When Dr. Devine gets back next week, I'll sit down with her and we'll discuss future care. But we're just marking off the days, and our next goal is 32 weeks." My nurse, Chris, was in the room with us, and I asked her after he left, "Does that sort of sound like he's going to keep me here until I reach 32 weeks?" And she said that's exactly what it sounded like to her. So, we'll see. For now though, all of that weird paranoid panic over the past few days seems silly. Oh well. High risk pregnancy makes you paranoid, defensive, nervous, irritable, and turns you into a person wholly and entirely not yourself.

My nurse today is definitely one of my favorites up here. Actually, I have a favorite day nurse and a favorite night nurse, and she's my favorite day nurse. It's hard to sleep up here, even with the powerful sleep aid they give me, so I often sleep in late in the morning. If you aren't able to fall asleep until 3:30 in the morning, being woken up to monitor at 7 can make you physically ill from exhaustion. My nurse yesterday did just that, which resulted in a very cranky me and a painful headache. Today, however, when I woke up for the first time at ten, I looked around the quiet hospital room and wondered if perhaps something was wrong, or they'd forgotten I was here. I'm not generally allowed to sleep in so late, and it felt WONDERFUL. As it turned out, Chris saw me resting comfortably and assumed I must not be sleeping at night, so she let me be. Not only that, but when the doctors did their rounds, she quietly told them that I needed my rest, and they came back to my room later! I love thoughtful, wonderful nurses.

I noticed today with better rest, and no headache, I was much much less crazy. It must be nearly unbearable to be around me right now! I honestly feel embarrassed for my last few rambling entries going on and on about how much EVERYONE pisses me off, and how much I hate not knowing when I'll leave. Hopefully most all of you know that this rambling, obsessive person isn't really me.

His monitorings look so perfect, they aren't even concerned with him having decellerations anymore. They're focused almost entirely on his size now. Unfortunately, unlike the heart monitoring, you can't do an ultrasound everyday- much less three times a day. So we just keep hoping and praying that he's still gaining weight. We'll see on Friday I guess!

I'll keep you all informed. Thank you for bearing through my less than positive posts. It's just very hard, and I hope that none of you will ever have to be in my position to fully understand what it actually feels like.

God bless,
Kathleen and Travis