30 Weeks, 4 Days

Oh boy, what a day.

We ended up having the ultrasound this morning after all. He looks great, and he's gained about 7 ounces. Fluid levels are great, dopplers are great, etc. Yesterday, though, I asked Dr. Atkinson if I'd go home the day they did the scan (be it today or Friday) if Josiah looked perfect. He said no, because he doesn't feel confident sending me home without Dr. Devine in town to really discuss and agree upon my future care. He wants a good plan of action arranged with her before sending me home. Understandable, I think.

Today though, the doc on call for Dr. Devine came in here and sat down to talk to me while Travis was out getting us lunch. He said that there's absolutely no reason for me to still be here, and said, "There's no reason for me to even be stopping by this room during my morning rounds. If you were my patient, I would just discharge you right now."

This guy contradicted everything Dr. Atkinson said to me only yesterday, and was making me feel like a paranoid freak. So I asked him, "Have you discussed this with Dr. Devine or Dr. Atkinson?" He said no. I asked, "Could you? I mean, I'd feel more comfortable making a decision if I could hear Dr. Atkinson's opinion on the matter..." He said no! He said, "I know what Dr. Atkinson is going to say, and while I respect him as a doctor, I think he's way too conservative in his decisions, and he's going to want to keep you here. I don't need to call him to know what he'll say."

So I was COMPLETELY torn. This doctor was making me feel bullied to agree to leave, and was suggesting I was just being ridiculous to stay, and wasting everyone's time. I don't want to be a hypochondriac! And I certainly am not looking to waste anyone's time; that makes me feel horrible that these kind nurses are just placating me or something. I'd asked him to please consult one of my doctors, and he refused. He said he could anticipate that Dr. Devine would only want to keep me if the baby wasn't growing, but since we saw he was growing this morning, he was certain Dr. Devine would agree that I needed to leave too. But the hold up for me was the fact that yes, while he is on call for Dr. Devine, and she can't be reached right now, my other doctor was just downstairs in the same building! And his nurse practitioner was three doors down! So I asked, "Have you talked to Kay?" He said, "Yeah, she thinks you need to go. She said there's no reason to keep you here. But, she also said if you leave today you need to be back up here on Friday and Sunday and maybe Monday for more monitoring."

...Wait.

So, if I leave, I still have to be up here on my birthday, and Sunday, and Monday?? Then why not just STAY until Dr. Devine returns on Monday like Dr. Atkinson said? I was SO confused, and this doctor was talking so ugly to me. He even said, "I mean, look at what all we're doing. You could do this at home." I supposed he was talking about the bed rest, but obviously the frequent monitoring couldn't be done at home, because if I left today, I'd have to be right back up here again ALL THE TIME. He made me feel like I was digging my heels in the wood flooring, refusing to leave. I wasn't trying to be difficult or psychotically paranoid. All I was asking for was to speak to my own doctor, who was in the same building. I even said, "If I have Dr. Atkinson's ok, then I'll go. I just want to talk to him." But he refused. I asked him three times if I could discuss this with my husband, and he finally reluctantly agreed. I didn't understand why he was pressuring me so strongly to leave right then, when Dr. A had just said yesterday that he wasn't discharging me until Dr. D returned. And why couldn't I discuss it with Travis? He saw I was passive, and was running me over like a semi truck.

As soon as Travis showed up, the tears started coming because I felt so conflicted, paranoid, and ridiculous. I knew this doc was tired of me for whatever reason and didn't want to mess with me anymore, but I also knew he hadn't discussed his decision with either of my doctors. He made it sound like it was up to me, but I knew it wasn't. He was fed up with seeing me every morning, and had come into my room to shoo me off his to-do list. Travis agreed that we've put our trust and confidence in Dr. Devine and Dr. Atkinson, and until he was willing to talk to one of them about it, we weren't budging until they said so. Period.

My nurse happened to walk in while I was crying and freaking out, and I told her the whole situation, and she agreed that there was nothing wrong with me wanting to hear it from my own doctors. These doctors saved my life and my baby's life back in August when I was near death from HG due to neglect from another doctor. They've listened to and trusted my intuitions, asked my opinion, followed up on my care, tracked Josiah with a microscope, reassured me, listened for sometimes hours to my concerns and questions, and even used scripture and prayer to help me deal with some of the more grim news I've faced. And frankly, I've grown to trust them with my son's very life. So I'm not letting someone else who talks about Dr. Atkinson like he's a conservative nut come in here and force me to do ANYTHING.

So my nurse went and got Kay, briefly explained what happened to her, and Kay walked in the door saying, "We didn't do it! Whatever happened, it wasn't coming from us." She explained that this doctor had approached her after looking through my file, and suggested that I was a perfect candidate for discharge. He told her apparently that I'd been "begging him" to go home every morning, and he felt it was for the best that they let me go home. Kay said that she told him that she knew Dr. Atkinson was not comfortable letting me go home without Dr. Devine available should something arise, and she said that she herself wanted me back up here several times this week and weekend for monitoring. She told him, "If she's begging to leave, we aren't going to keep her, so of course you have our approval. However, if you're asking for our opinion on the matter, then our answer is no. She needs to stay and continue her monitoring and care."

I told Kay, "Well, I'm not trying to suggest he's a liar in any way, but I don't ever recall 'begging' to leave... I honestly have no clue where he got that idea. I've been perfectly content to follow whatever Dr. Atkinson feels is best. If he were to come up here right now and say he feels in his gut that it'd be ok to let me go home, we'd start packing right now. I just don't exactly understand why he refused to ask Dr. Atkinson for his opinion on the matter." Kay said, "Well, when he approached me with the issue, I cautiously agreed under the suggestion that you were miserable. We don't want to damage you psychologically by keeping you up here, but I know that we'd both -Dr. Atkinson and I- feel better if you were just up here until Dr. Devine is back." She also said that Dr. A was made aware of the mess and the drama, and would be stopping by to basically just reiterate what he'd already said yesterday.

So, all that said, I had my nurse call that doctor back and say that I would not be leaving until Dr. Devine got back. Apparently she also let him know how much he'd upset me, and he told her he would not be mentioning the issue to me again. Sheesh! So much drama! I kept trying to make it clear, I'm not REFUSING to leave. I'm not insistent that I need to be up here when everyone's telling me Josiah is fine. I'm not trying to get attention by staying in the hospital, or trying to be dramatic, or a hypochondriac. I just wanted this man to talk to my doctor. Period.

So that was my day. Lol. All is well now, but I thought I'd post the story anyway. If there's one thing I learned from my experience with hyperemesis, it's to NEVER blindly follow the advise or opinion of a doctor just because they're a doctor. Never. I nearly died of starvation and dehydration in July from a doctor blowing me off and refusing to listen to me. I trusted her opinion and listened to her more than I ever should have simply because she was a doctor, and our society tells us all the time that you should trust doctors.

Luckily today, Kay and Dr. Atkinson rushed in there and diffused the situation, and everything was cleared up before anything happened. I'm so blessed for such wonderful doctors who know me and listen to me and answer my questions. Dr. L may think that Atkinson is a conservative crazy for keeping me here, but if he hadn't been so conservative, Josiah's IUGR may have gone unnoticed and no one would know ahead of time that we may be looking at a placental difficiency. I think Dr. Devine and Dr. Atkinson are God's little way of me know He's watching over both of us, and that for all those months I cried in absolute misery from the debilitating HG, He heard me and was working things together to get me help and find me a voice.

I hope everyone has a wonderful New Years! Please be safe out there tonight. God bless you in 2009, and I hope the next year is even better than the last for everyone.

God bless,
Kathleen and Travis