29 Weeks, 6 Days

Hi everyone!

I'm in better spirits emotionally today than I was yesterday. I've been frustrated all day though, because we had the ultrasound that we were expecting this morning, and yet we didn't gain any insight from it at all. There's a particular ultrasonographer in Dr. A's office who I had once, who said a bunch of statistical things that scared me to death (because they were just big scary numbers and didn't apply to me or my son at all), and I found out on Tuesday that she was going to be doing my US today again. I specifically expressed my concerns and flat out said that I didn't like her. When the nurse practitioner does the US, she talks to me about everything she's looking at, points out specific concerns, tells me why she's zeroing in on that specific area of him, and whether it looks normal or not. This technician doesn't tell me ANYTHING. She'll say, "OK, Here I'm looking for your fluid levels..." but then not tell me if it looks normal or low or what! It's very frustrating. I also said to the nurse practitioner (Kay) that I disliked her rattling off statistics and percentiles to me at the end of my last appointment with her. Kay said she was slightly surprised because their other patients like being as informed as possible regarding their baby's percentile, but I simply said, "I don't see it as being as informed as possible. Those numbers don't tell me how he'll do when he's born. They don't tell me whether he'll have breathing problems in NICU, or how long he'll have to stay in the incubators. They don't really mean anything to me but worry." I think she understood then. I'm not other mothers, and my child isn't other babies, and I couldn't care less about where he falls on some nationally averaged growth chart.

She did say my fluid levels looked normal when I asked, but then when I asked her if she was going to measure him again, she told me no. She said that the measurements of babies in-utero weren't accurate if done closer together than a couple of weeks. So then wasn't that what they told me they wanted to check for at this US? I don't understand.

She spent a good several minutes trying to get a good image of his profile to print off. Again, I didn't want to waste my time waiting for her to get him to take his fingers out of his mouth. I worried all night and had nightmares about what today's US would show, and she was mundanely sitting there going, "Come on baby, give us a good picture." We could wallpaper the kid's room in US images. To date, we've had twelve ultrasounds of this child. TWELVE. Healthy, non-high risk pregnancies require two, sometimes three. We've had a dozen. It's gotten to the point where Dr. A and Kay don't give us images anymore, because they aren't doing the US to get cutesie little pictures for us to show off to grandparents. The US have become a necessary and weekly part of my monitorings, and they are done entirely for diagnostic reasons. Dr. Atkinson knows he isn't growing right, and his heart was doing some weird decel things, and now he's trying to follow him as closely as possible in order to gain some more clues as to what's going on in there, and to know exactly the right time to deliver.

So when she asked (which she asked twice at the previous US I had with her), "Do you know the sex of the baby?" excitedly, I got a little irritated. I said, "Yes, that isn't why we're having these bi-weekly ultrasounds in the hospital." She laughed and said, "Well, I figured you knew, because you referred to him as a 'he'. But just for proof, here's his little boy parts." Click. She printed off a picture of his penis.

Do you know how many pictures of this child's "boy parts" we have!? TONS! Why is it that when I'm in there for serious concerns, looking for answers, worried about my baby, every air head ultrasound technician in the world that I happen to run across assumes I'm in there to get a nice clear image of his package? Maybe they think it's cute, or that perhaps walking away from my necessary and worrisome ultrasound with a picture of my son's gentiles will somehow distract me from the real reason I was in here in the first place. Regardless, I plan on throwing them all away. They only make me frustrated to look at, because they remind me of the appointments with her, and the appointments where I stayed up all night beforehand only to leave with no answers but a fistful of pictures. I don't know why I'm so upset about her asking if I'd like to know my baby's gender. Perhaps because she doesn't know me or my case, and I figure she could easily look in my file beforehand to see that I do indeed know my baby's gender. She could also gather given the delicateness of the situation, wanting more pictures of his "boy parts" is the furthest thing from my mind. I want to know things like, "How is his blood flow?" "Is his cord wrapped around anything?" "How are my fluid levels?" "Is he in distress?" "Will I have to deliver soon?"

Dr. Atkinson wasn't available today to stop by my room and answer any questions or tell me how the dopplers looked. She said something concerning his brain doppler needed to be looked at more closely, but didn't expand on that. It could very easily be nothing, and more than likely is nothing, because she doesn't know me or my situation. She shouldn't have even mentioned anything. Ugh. He'll be in here tomorrow, and I can gain more understanding then. I must have nagged the nurses to death today though. I asked anyone and everyone that came in my room if Dr. Atkinson was going to be coming back up here to talk to me. They kept saying if he saw anything particularly concerning, he would have been up here already to discuss it, but I have been sitting on a list of questions for him for the past two days now, and that list continues to grow without answers.

I don't know how long I'll be here. That concerns me. I went from not wanting to go home for fear his heart might decel again, to feeling silly that I was still up here, to not wanting to leave again for fear that might fluid levels might drop, or his weight has leveled off meaning he needs to be delivered soon. And the way I figure it, at the latest, they'll be delivering in a matter of a few weeks, so if they send me home on bed rest now, how long will I be home before they make me come back up here for even closer observation? I don't know what I want anymore. Dr. Devine said last week that having a high risk pregnancy makes you paranoid and a little crazy for a while. I know what she means. I'm scared for the next shoe to drop. I'm scared to go home, but afraid of wasting people's time up here. If a nurse is less than absolutely perky, I'm afraid she hates me. When Travis curled up in my tiny hospital bed with me the other night, I was afraid they'd be mad. I'm to that paranoid point she spoke of. At least I'm not alone. She warned me ahead of time that it would happen, and everyday she comes in here and asks me, "Are you crazy paranoid yet?"

I guess that's all the rambling I need to do for now. Sorry if it's completely obvious that I'm losing my mind. I need some fresh air. I wish Travis could bring me some from outside in a jar.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.
God bless,
Kathleen and Travis