I talked to my nurse last night about that ultrasound on Friday where Angie the wonder technician didn't measure Josiah, but I was told that that was the entire purpose behind the ultrasound. She said that Kay DID want him measured, but it was probably for the best that Angie didn't do it, because every sonographer measures differently (sometimes making for a difference as significant as 10 whole ounces), so it's best to just stay consistent with Kay's measurements. At least I know I wasn't out of my mind, and I wasn't just making stuff up. When I asked her if she was going to measure, she looked at me weird and said, "You were measured on Monday. You aren't supposed to measure the baby more often than every two weeks, so today is way way way too early. You'll be measured again in two or maybe even three weeks." But I was certain Kay was measuring him every time, even if it was only a few days after the last one. Jessica checked my file, and I was right. Kay's been measuring him every time and charting everything she sees, growth or no growth.
And, it turns out Angie was wrong about him not being measured again until next week. Dr. Atkinson was back this morning and said he wants to measure either tomorrow or Wednesday. Does this mean I'll go home if he's showing significant growth??
I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind. I really really am. I'm so irritable. I'm irritated at the doctor on call for Devine, I'm irritated at Angie, I'm irritated at the nurse's aide who has come in to check my temp and blood pressure today FIVE times already. They normally take it twice a day, at the two daily shift changes. It's been 98.6 degrees all day, and my blood pressure is perfect. I think she's just bored. But today when I took a nap, I dreamed that she came in while I was asleep and stuck that stupid thermometer in my ear, and then started tending to my personal hygiene, cleaning out my ears, brushing my hair, clipping my nails, etc. until I woke up and asked her what the heck she was doing. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights and said, "I'm sorry, is this not ok?" I startled myself awake from the disturbing dream, and there she was standing over me, saying, "I need to check your vitals." UGH!
I'm just so anxious all the time, and I think it's a direct result of having no idea what's going on regarding my future care.
The doc on call for Devine is no longer Dr. Dorsett, who I had genuinely grown to like. This new doc loudly came in and woke me up around 8:30 this morning, and before leaving asked me if I needed anything. I'd called a nurse an hour earlier to bring me something for nausea that kept waking me up, but no one had ever come. I told him, "I'm pretty nauseous..." and he said, "Yeah, I understand you've struggled with that for this whole pregnancy. You should be past that by now." I told him I had hyperemesis, and he didn't say anything. Then I said, "Well, I could really use something for this nausea..." and he said, "You need to just call a nurse to bring you something. That's what they're here for." And then he walked out the door. I miss Dr. Devine.
I don't believe for an instant that the hospital staff with their equipment and resources trumps the sovereign power of God, but it sure does make my life easier being up here. I mean, I miss home and my privacy, and am getting really really irritated with stupid doctors who aren't my own, and obsessive nursing aides, but I feel relaxed here. I don't have to worry about kick counts or contractions or shortness of breath when I'm here. It's someone else's job to worry when I mention such things. If they discharge me tomorrow, which they might, then I will go home with a five-page packet of instructions on kick counts, contractions, pre-term labor, frequency of urinating, shortness of breath, etc. I'll be on the phone with the doctor every day for the next month! I'm just scared to be exclusively responsible for his health and safety. I fear I could miss critical signs of his distress that a nurse or doctor wouldn't miss. I'd rather leave the close watch to the professionals with the equipment to help him in an instant should it be necessary.
I guess I'd better go. I'm sorry I'm so paranoid and rambly and... crazy...these days. I'll keep you informed on how things are going and where I am tomorrow. I'm tired of being crazy.
God bless,
Kathleen and Travis
1 comment:
Kathleen,
As I said before, I totally understand your worry. You aren't the expert in this situation, especially with this being your first pregnancy and it always feels nice to be in the care of people who have been trained in this and experienced it more than once. I'm sure you're in great care, and in your situation with your nervousness I am sure it is easy to get irritated when things aren't going as you planned. I am sure everyone is doing the best for you that they can with nursing staffs being short handed now adays, etc. Just hold in there - you've been so patient with Josiah so far and you're almost there!
Take care of yourself. I hope your next measuring goes better than planned and if you find yourself back home in the next couple of days you are able just take things as they come. Try not to worry too much. Your family, loved ones, and doctors are all here for you and looking out for you and Josiah.
Brandy
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