Friday, January 23, 2009

33 Weeks, 6 Days

Ugh. Last night = bad night.

I was up sick all night long, and stayed in bed all day today. I've just felt really tired and yucky all day. It's been hard for me to get comfortable, because it seems like any way I lay or sit, I end up having heart palpitations and trouble breathing. Dr. Devine told me to stay off my back, and not to sit flat on my bottom for this reason, but lately even laying on either side has been hard. It's just miserable trying to get to sleep at night when your heart is racing or skipping around.

I finally made it out of bed around the time Travis came home, and then laid on the couch for the rest of the night. It's not fun. The apartment temperature must be set at 64 degrees or I get too hot to function. I think I can handle the heat better than the nausea and shortness of breath. That's pretty bad. But putting it all together makes me want to cry. I'm just so tired of everything. It seems like I'll have a couple of days where I feel good, and am able to do a few things around the house, or at least get out of bed during the day, and then it never ever lasts.

When the HG was at its worst, I was way too sick to write in my private journal or document just how ill I truly was, so last night since I was up sick anyway, I wrote and wrote and wrote a private letter to myself detailing some of the very worst moments of the HG. You're probably wondering why. I know that when this is all over, I'll feel it was absolutely worth it, and I'll try to convince myself I didn't really almost die. I'll start thinking of the positive moments of this pregnancy, and although they are few and short-lived, my mind will naturally make this seem like a piece of cake in retrospect. I can't do that to myself. I probably sound ridiculous or dramatic, but I truly cannot do this again. I can't do it to Travis or Josiah either. This has been so hard on us financially, emotionally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually. I don't want to put Josiah through that too. Not when we've always been so open to adoption. We've always wanted to adopt a baby, but I know the day will come where I start to think of pregnancy as not so bad. Hopefully I'll pull out my letter to my future self and actually take it seriously!

Anyway, it's pretty late. I just wanted to quickly update even though there isn't much to say. 34 weeks tomorrow. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. Almost. But not quite.

God bless,
Kathleen and Travis

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kat, my name is Molly and I am a good friend of Kerri. I've been hearing from her how much you've been suffering from the HG, and I think of you all the time. I had HG with my daughter a couple of years ago, so I really do know how you feel. I so get the whole counting down until the end thing. Anyway, you don't know me or anything, but if you need to talk to someone who has BTDT get my phone # or email from Kerri. (I don't want to post it on a public site if that makes sense). Also, if you do facebook, I'm listed there too as a friend of Kerri. I know you don't know me, but I'm counting down the weeks with you. You are so very close. One day at a time. Lots of prayers to you and little Josiah.

--Molly

Anonymous said...

Sorry to post a double comment, but I can really relate to you thinking of adoption. Have you been to www.helpher.org? Go there and check out the forums. It's an HG support goup. There are women who have gone through it multiple times and a whole board dedecated to women who have made the decision that they are done with pregnancy forever. It's a very open and supportive group. Also, if you want to talk meds, you can contact me. Are they treating this seriously? Are they giving you anti-emetics? Zofran isn't always enough. I had to layer it in with meclazine and benadryl. You have to find your right cocktail.

So sorry you're going through this.

--Molly